Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Random Thoughts

It's funny I have full intentions of sitting down and blogging all the time. Thoughts and things to talk about pop in my head at such random times. Mostly after little girl has gone to bed (way too busy all day to actually "think" lol). A lot of random thoughts middle of the night when I get up to pee for the 100000x. Then I end up wanting to write them down then and there, but reminding myself sleep is my priority right now. Here lately there have been a lot of random flashbacks to the day we discovered I was experiencing an ectopic pregnancy. For some reason the days leading up to going to the ER when I was having intermittent pain and the day of constant pain I remember thinking "what if I'm crazy"? What if nothing is actually wrong? I remember having the ultrasound in the ER and the tech quietly doing her job.She only made one statement when she was done and that was she told me to wait just a second before getting dressed she wanted to make sure the doctor didn't need to see anything. Even at that point I should have realized something was wrong and I wasn't crazy, but all I could think was I can hardly walk or talk from the pain and they will tell me they don't see anything wrong, go home, and follow up if it gets worse. (It couldn't have gotten worse, the pain was just as bad if not worse than labor).

Anytime I am playing with Claire and crawling on the floor my mind instantly goes back to that day. Crawling across the floor, praying I wasn't going to pass out from the pain. Asking God for the strength to hold on until someone could come get me. Debating whether or not 911 would be the best option or just to wait until someone was able to come. I hate those flashbacks. It was one of the most terrifying days of my life. Maybe only topped by my car accident when I was pregnant with Claire. Sometimes these thoughts are few and far between and others they seem to come more frequently. It dawned on me here lately that the reason they were creeping up more frequently was had that baby been viable he/she would have been due this month. My dear grandfather passed away last week. My Mom made the statement that he was getting to hold and meet that baby now. That made me smile and my heart ache all at the same time. I am reminded though that had it not been for that short little life we wouldn't get to have Luke. That little baby solidified for us that we for sure wanted another child. We had debated for awhile prior whether or not we wanted more children and that was the point we decided to just let nature do it's thing. Unfortunately for us just letting nature do it's thing doesn't always work out like we planned. I completely agree with letting God be in control of every situation and I know he has been in control of all our good and bad situations. I know God has put certain doctors and people in our lives though to help us achieve our family. If we hadn't had trouble conceiving Claire and just gotten pregnant without medication and lab follow up (which the medication required) there is a really good chance I would have miscarried due low progesterone levels. Thankfully through a thorough doctor and medication I was able to sustain that pregnancy and now have a very entertaining 2 year old that I cannot imagine life without. Same with the baby we lost. That one not only reminded us that I tend to have hormone issues when I do conceive, but without that loss I most likely would not have had the lab follow up once I got pregnant with Luke and discovered again like Claire I needed hormone supplementation. After an ectopic the chances for another ectopic increase so anytime you get pregnant afterwards they monitor your hormone levels every 2-3 days to ensure that a.) it doesn't follow the pattern of another ectopic and b.) that everything is progressing normally. I know that God put these doctors in my path for a reason and they are part of his plan in growing our family. I fully trust and believe that even though it was very hard for us to decide how long to go without medical intervention in trying to conceive our family that God timed each one of our children perfectly and that even though we had medical intervention of some sort with each pregnancy it was part of his plan.

I know this blog post is random and may not make a whole lot of sense, but it's just some thoughts I have had over the past few months.

On to baby Luke news he is growing and growing! He is a mover and shaker too! I remember thinking when I was just a few weeks pregnant that once I reached the 30 week mark I would have officially "arrived" haha. Well on Friday I will hit that 30 week mark! Holy cow where has time gone? On the other hand hurry up so I can meet my son already! Claire is excited too. We have got most of the nursery completed and she loves going in there and talking about "baby" or 'ooke" as she calls him. She has also gotten more intrigued by my ever growing belly and loves to lift my shirt and give kisses and then do song requests while she sits in my lap. She likes to sing Old Macdonald, Patty Cake, and several other songs to Luke. He seems to like it too because he will usually reward our tunes with some good kicks and punches. I go back to the doctor on Tuesday for another checkup and hopefully get to find out when the final ultrasound will be! The final countdown seems to be beginning!

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