Why?

I'm not sure where to begin. Things have been beyond crazy and still unbelievable. What happened last Friday many of you know. I am hoping that by writing it out maybe it will be therapeutic.  I can hope right? (This is written over several days, hopefully it isn't too choppy and makes some sense. I apologize it is so long).

Thursday night around 1:00 a.m.(actually early Friday morning) I woke up to terrible pain in my right ovary (what felt like my ovary at least). I assumed it was a cyst rupturing. Back up a little over 2 weeks prior I had similar pains on a Saturday night. Probably more than you ever wanted to know, but I'm trying to be open here, but I've had quite a few hormone imbalance issues since Claire has been born and therefore have had a lot of bleeding issues (I told you TMI). Accompanying the pain that Saturday night was also some bleeding, but I also had been on what I assumed was my period. That Monday morning I called the doctor. Unfortunately my wonderful OB/GYN moved at the first of the year and so we had been setting up meetings with new doctors to narrow down who we were comfortable with. We only had the opportunity to meet with one doctor at this point and therefore she was the only one with my records (we did like her) so I called her office first thing Monday. They set me up with an ultrasound Wednesday to rule out anything serious. Long story short ultrasound was fine and said it was probably a cyst rupturing. (I have PCOS so cysts are not completely uncommon, but cysts that rupture are not usually a PCOS norm) and put me on birth control to help balance my hormones and stop the excessive bleeding which had been going on for 2 weeks straight at this point. The birth control helped within a few days everything seemed normal. The bleeding went away and I had a solid week of normal. Thursday morning I woke up to bleeding again so I called and talked to the nurse who said I must need a higher dose pill and she was calling in something for me to start when I finished the current pill pack. Thursday afternoon is actually when the pain started again. I was babysitting and had just put the 2 girls down for a nap when similar pain to what I had felt before started. I took Tylenol and curled up on the couch. To be on the safe side I called and talked to the nurse again who assured me it was just another cyst. I hate being the girl who constantly is calling, but I wanted to be sure. Fast forward to middle of the night Thursday (early Friday) and the pain I felt over 2 weeks ago and even earlier that day was no comparison to this. I am assuming it must just be another cyst that's what the nurse said right?The pain was so bad my entire right leg went numb. I woke Eric up in tears. He got me some Tylenol and I ran I hot bath. The bath helped me manage the pain so I sat there as long as I could. I stayed awake in terrible pain until 5:00 a.m. Eric debated taking me to the ER several times but I insisted it was just a cyst and I didn't want to wake Claire up over nothing. Around 5:00 the pain eased up so Eric got dressed and went to work. To be safe Eric called the doctor around 6:00 (who answered the phone herself, I was impressed). She said since the ultrasound was normal 2.5 weeks ago that if the pain was back the ER would be better equipped to run further testing and to go there. The last thing I wanted to do was spend my Friday in the ER, spend useless money when it would just be a cyst plus Eric had to go into work and couldn't get away until after 9 and I was babysitting until 1. The pain was manageable at this point so I figured the cyst ruptured and I was on the mend. Not so lucky though. By 8:15 the pain was back with a vengeance I called Eric to see if he could leave work any sooner to help me with the 2 girls while I tried to overcome the pain. Unfortunately he had no way to leave until 9. I tried to push on, but the pain only intensified. More TMI to come, sorry. By this point I'm crawling and crying the pain is so bad I can't walk. The 2 little ones are following me (crawling with them is a fun game) oh to be little again. I make it to the bathroom to pee. When I sit down stuff is running out of me and I haven't started peeing yet. That's when I got scared. I knew it wasn't good and I had to go in. Problem is Eric can't get off for another 30 min and is an hour away. I called Eric back and he started calling friends who might be home to come over and sit with me and the girls until he could make it. Claire knows something was wrong with Mommy and started crying and throwing a fit. Poor baby. All I could do is try and love on her. Her friend that I was babysitting was such a sweet heart quietly playing next to me. Thankfully my dear friend Emily was home. She came over within 20 min. In the meantime I knew there was no way I could wait for Eric. I started calling people who might could take me to the ER. Thank God it was Friday and most of my friends who work are off on Friday. Jackie was home and lives about 2 miles away she said she would be over shortly. She made it to me first. In hindsight my poor friends really didn't understand much of what I was trying to tell them I don't think. I was crying and hard to understand and I know I wasn't making much sense. Only a handful of friends even knew I had been having issues (I really don't like to be the center of attention). I was so close to calling an ambulance things got so bad. I laid on the floor praying not to pass out until someone was with the babies. Only by the grace of God my pain eased enough for Jackie to take me on the 30 min trip to the hospital and me not faint.

 At the ER I'm pretty sure I repeated my symptoms about 20xs before the doctor came in. No one seemed to grasp the amount of pain I was in and to me it felt like everyone was going in slow motion. I got asked a thousand times if I could be pregnant. Each time my answer was absolutely not. I had been bleeding for weeks and on the pill (and Eric had been out of town for work haha). The young ER doc comes in and again asked me to repeat my symptoms and starts to mash on my belly asking me if it hurt. Ha he almost got punched it hurt so bad. His mashing set the pain in overdrive again and I beg him for some pain relief. He said he would order some morphine (finally). Poor guy seemed nice enough and fresh out of school and starts telling me about abdominal pain and the male reproductive system. Really? He almost got kicked in his male reproductive system. Then proceeds to explain the female reproductive system and he would order and ultrasound first. In the meantime the financial person shows up before the morphine. Seriously? Finally little dude with the morphine comes in and I politely tell financial person to move it or loose it. Wow morphine makes you feel so strange, but it did ease the pain tons to a dull ache. A short while later the ultrasound person comes and takes me to the ultrasound room. I've hot quite a few ultrasounds before, but this one was especially uncomfortable. The lady was nice and kept asking me when was my last period and how many weeks I was. I said once again "I'm not pregnant". None of this ever clicked with me. I had been bleeding heavy for weeks and on birth control. Honestly the last thing I would have ever guessed was I was pregnant. I just assumed she didn't pay attention to my chart since everyone kept making me repeat the same questions/answers. A little while after the ultrasound the nurse comes in and starts telling me to take my jewelry off they were about to come get me. I said "what's going on"? She said "didn't the doctor come in and tell you"? I said "NO, tell me what is going on"!!! Finally after some convincing and the nurse telling me the doctor should really be the one to tell me. She finally said I had an ectopic pregnancy and the doctor would be in shortly to take me to surgery. I was floored. I immediately burst into tears. Poor Eric is sitting in the ER horribly confused. He had enough sense to console his crying wife. Then the doctor comes in and says it's very important to get me to the the OR ASAP. Eric finally says "you mean she is pregnant"? It never crossed my mind he wouldn't know what that meant, but why should he? Already have been pregnant this was an early fear of my when I was pregnant with Claire. I knew what it meant. The doctor got Eric up to speed and then things started happening quickly. The doctor telling the staff to find an OR NOW! People rushing in and out having me sign paperwork with large medical terms that I only had time to research after the fact. Eric disappeared and I'm frantically asking for my husband as they are wheeling me off. They tell me his is speeding up the process by handling some other paperwork. Finally he comes into pre op in time to hug and kiss me as they give my my "margarita" as the nurses are calling it. As I'm being wheeled into the operating room Pastor David and Christi stop just in time in the hall to pray with us. The next thing I remember is waking up in terrible pain. I keep telling the nurse in recovery nothing is helping. She finally tells me they have given me all the pain meds they can and they are taking me to my room. I look at her like she has lost her mind because the pain is no where under control. She explains that getting me off the stretcher into a more "comfy" hospital bed will help the pain. I'm pretty sure something sarcastic came out of my mouth. How in the world would a bed help this pain? Nevertheless they take me to my room where Eric is waiting and my Mom has made it. Oh yeah I text Mom on the way to the ER and she immediately asks if she should come (she lives 3 hours away). I tell her no, that I'm sure it's nothing and if it is something then I'll tell her to come. Thankfully my Mom knows me well enough to know that it was serious if I was going to the ER and couldn't wait for Eric to get home. So she left her house as soon as I text her. They make me switch beds which sucked immensely. I couldn't stop thinking that I was going to pass out from the pain. I make it to the so called "comfy" bed and the nurse shows up with more pain meds. Hallelujah! The rest of the evening is a blur. I remember not being able to keep my eyes open which was frustrating me. I remember trying to carry on conversations and then completely forgetting what I was talking about mid story. Finally I think I gave up and went to sleep. I woke up a little later feeling more coherent, but still groggy. Thankfully Eric's sister Megan lives in Huntsville and was able to come in and help with Claire along with several good friends who took turns feeding her and playing with her. Thanks to them Claire was oblivious to everything and had a blast playing with her friends. From the second I heard what was wrong with me all I wanted was to see my Claire Bear. Somehow holding her would make it hurt less. Finally later that evening I got to see my baby. I felt bad because holding my eyes open was still a challenge.

 After everyone left I had to deal with my emotions. I remember at some point telling my Mom that I knew the little baby was with Jesus and what could be better then being in Jesus arms? That's what I keep having to remember every time the sadness creeps up. A good friend told me that the baby has a purpose we just don't know what it is yet or we may never know. I know we serve a mighty God and everything he allows to happen for his Glory. Someone else told me it's ok to grieve and to ask God why? I almost forgot that I should ask God why. That it's ok to ask God to show me why. After having to do some fertility treatment to conceive Claire I had hopes that conceiving a second one wouldn't be as hard. After Claire's first birthday passed we decided we were not ready to "try" for a second one, but wanted to "not prevent, but not try". Unfortunately after several months we realized that that wasn't going to happen. My body was just too whacked out and I had to have medicated cycles. The only thing I can figure happened was I got pregnant before I got on the birth control and the bleeding I thought was my period was actually related to the pregnancy. A lot of my "why" question to God has been "why was I so close to getting what I prayed for"? A
"surprise" pregnancy, unmedicated, no planning or timing involved, due about a month after Claire's 2nd birthday (my ideal timeline), another fall baby (which I loved having). I know God is not out to harm us and he may or may not answer my "why" questions, but I do know He loves us.

I have been home recovering a little over a week now. In case you are interested the baby was in my right tube. The doctor tried to save the tube, but she said it wouldn't stop bleeding so she removed a portion of it. It is now non functioning. She is very positive and tells me not to worry, that if we want we can have lots of babies. Before we do decide to have another child I will have to do the HSG dye test to make sure the other tube isn't blocked. We will have to do the same things we did to get pregnant with Claire and the second I get a positive test I will have to have an ultrasound to ensure it is not ectopic again. Stressful to think about, but fortunately not a hopeless situation. I'm just so scared to lose another one. This little baby was not only my child, but Claire's little brother or sister. That makes me sad to think about too. We are so blessed to have such a wonderful family and church family. Both of our Moms have been here helping since I cannot lift Claire for a few weeks. Our church family has been fattening us up bringing fantastic meals. And Claire has been in Heaven playing with all her grandparents, aunts, and friends. Thanks so much to everyone who has been praying for us. Please keep the prayers coming.